Hello, friends. It’s your old pal Pastor Bob, back with you again.

I know, I know. It’s been thirty years since we last spoke, just prior to the unfortunate and unfounded claims that somehow a portion of the proceeds from our Pastor Bob Prayer Chamois may have ended up purchasing my third private jet.

Brothers and sisters, I think the three books I wrote while in prison more than repudiate those false charges – and besides: why would I need to scam my blessed supporters out of the money when I can easily show you through scripture that God wants me to have a new Citation?

But all that is water under the baptistry, friends. I am back with you today to invite you to our annual Six Flags Over Jesus Independence Sunday Celebration – a joyous occasion saluting the magnificent privilege afforded by not having a thing to do with the place or time of our birth. Think of it, brothers and sisters. We could just as easily landed in one of those countries we send missionaries to, but Almighty God blessed us with being born into the greatest country on earth, through no merit of our own. And, like Sunday worship, it’s a time to reflect on the liberty we enjoy, which also was purchased by the blood of someone else – so what better time to act like we deserved it?

That’s why our Independence Sunday Celebration will pull out all the stops. There’ll be incredible music, featuring lots of great patriotic songs filled with words our actions suggest we don’t really mean. All, backed by our massive Red, White and Blue Worship & Praise Orchestra, featuring the legendary Jericho Brass. Our two-hour spectacular will quickly skip past unpleasant bits like mercy and sacrifice, or injustice and inequality, and build to a nationalistic crescendo big as Babel – with indoor fireworks, streamers, confetti, balloons, fog machines, laser displays, a mounted military precision unit we call Calvary’s Cavalry, and a live bald eagle that will swoop in to our stage from the balcony cry room. Our guest speaker this year will bring the leaven of the Pharisees, but that’s okay, because it’s our leaven and that’s still way better than the leaven of the other side. And to top everything off, all attendees will receive a copy of my latest book, Living Humbly for Jesus.

Friends, don’t miss it. Get there early to see our special fountain show in the massive Dancing Waters of the Cross, just past the block where the homeless folk sit before services until security runs them off.

Leave the sackcloth and ashes at home, fellow disciples. Jabez didn’t go far enough. Rather than just enlarging our borders, let’s also talk about building bigger barns. I mean, I’ve got a 17-car garage and room for an RV, and did it with a theology degree. So while you’re partaking in refreshments from Holy Roasters, our atrium coffee shop, also check our gift store. Besides blinged-out crosses, portraits of the simple carpenter from Nazareth as Brad Pitt, and tons of self-help books, you’ll also find copies of my other works – including Relying On Christ, and my best-selling There’ll Be No Dims In Heaven.

Remember, friends: the Lord welcomes all.

So I hope you’ll join us, my brothers and sisters. Your old friend Pastor Bob would love to see you, especially if you’re willing to endow our new multi-million dollar wedding chapel or the proposed pastor’s private library and practice putting green. Then come back to our church next Sunday as I begin a new sermon series, which I’ve entitled How To Justify Anything – beginning with individual lessons 1 and 2, Even If Herod Was Rapey He Wasn’t All Bad, and At Least The Calf Was Golden.

Also, make sure you join me for my new podcast, Eternity Better Look Like Me. Until then, I hope you won’t forget:

Jesus loves you, and so do we.